Ever since I was a child, all I knew I wanted for my future was to be a mother. I loved kids; I loved their innocence, joy, and courage to try new things. I knew that ‘when I get older’ I want to have 12 kids!! I had my whole life planned out; when I was going to get married, when I was going to have my first, second, and third child, and so on. Needless to say, God had an entirely different plan for my life.
Eventually, I married ten years later than I “had planned.” As a couple, we planned to be married for a few years, then have children. Again, “we planned,” but GOD… I got pregnant fairly easily, but I miscarried; they were twins. A “one in a million” story, the doctor said, because I miscarried one embryo, but the other was lodged in my fallopian tube. The blow of losing my first pregnancy, the pain, confusion, and frustration, not to mention the physical trauma of an ectopic pregnancy. But I poured out everything I had left to the God that knows all and sees all. That gave me the strength to wake up each day. About six months later, I was pregnant again, hopeful, believing, and “having faith” that God would grant us this child. But then, shortly after, I started spotting, and sure enough, it was another miscarriage; this one was also an ectopic pregnancy, but the other fallopian tube. We ended up in the emergency room for 9 hours.
I was downcast, confused, angry, and in physical pain. I did so many tests, and the doctors couldn’t find anything. Well-meaning friends said things like, “Just have more faith!” As though the amount of faith I did or didn’t have could dictate God’s plan to give us a child.
I lifted my head, whipped my tears, and got back up. Though more tattered and torn than before. Over the next year, I would have two more miscarriages, the third being another ectopic pregnancy. Again the doctors said, “We don’t see anything that would cause you to continue to have three ectopic pregnancies.” I did more invasive tests, needles, blood samples, and emotional pain that continued to pile on top of each loss. They did a test to see if there was any blockage, but nothing, “you’re good to go.”Dare we try again? Dare we have high hopes that are then dashed to the floor? But I knew in the pit that if God could handle it, then I had to believe He could give me the strength to try again. So we did.
By the grace of God, we got pregnant again! A fourth time! This time it was miraculously in my uterus! Praise Jesus! Both of our families rejoiced upon hearing this news! Everything looked good, good numbers, good growth…then one day, I just didn’t feel pregnant anymore, and in my heart, I knew something was wrong. I demanded an ultrasound, and the lady was annoyed because I had just had one a few weeks ago, but I told her I had high-risk pregnancies. She begrudgingly obliged; upon watching her face, I knew what I feared was now a reality. She refused to tell me the results, again confirming my worst nightmare. Even though my doctor called me the next day to read the results, I already knew in my heart that the baby had stopped developing. I was ten weeks pregnant. I again ended up in the emergency room, hemorrhaging and having violent contractions. It was one of the most physically traumatic things I had ever endured.
Now I really was dead, emotionally. I had no words to say, no questions to ask, and no anger or frustration to show. Whatever I could think of, I had already gone to God about it. I was empty. I still knew He was sovereign. That’s all I knew. So this time, I chose to be in His presence, not ask, not demand, not cry, just be. I decided to “be” for many days. There was silence, and a deep reservoir of comfort engulfed me. I sat in that comfort for a long time.
After some time, I discussed all that had happened and God’s revelations with a friend. She told me, “Why don’t you write a children’s book?” I knew at that moment! That’s exactly what God wanted me to do. Write a children’s book through the perspective of a child who finds out her parents are pregnant and she’s going to be a big sister. Then take the family through a miscarriage and process it together. Aside from my own losses, I knew of many women who had miscarriages all around me, but they didn’t know how to tell their children. This was it! This is how God will use my extreme pain to Lord willingly bring comfort and an opportunity for families to be vulnerable with one another about their loss. God brought me so much comfort with every loss. I knew if I could get through it, then I should help someone else get through it too. So I did. I wrote that book. I’ve shared those sufferings with so many women, and now I’ve shared in their comfort. God is still Sovereign.
I still desire to have children, but I know that 5 of them will be in heaven, and I can’t wait to hold them in my arms.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 3-5 (NIV)
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Andrea Yousif, is a Children's Pastor in Toronto, Canada, with a passion to teach and encourage women in their journey of singleness. She encourages single women to trust that God has that person for them and that He will reveal the right person, at God's right timing and His way. She reminds women that we need to reimagine what we think love looks like. We need to let God lead our story and give up our expectations of how our love story will go. When you join God on His adventure, your story is ten times better.